Lots of people have asked for news of our rescue cat Daisy (surely her adventures can’t be more interesting than my ruminations on phrasing and pedalling?).

Daisy’s getting on beautifully, but can’t understand how to use the cat flap which would let her out into the garden. Although she’s four years old, she seems not to have encountered a cat flap before. She uses it as a little window, by which she sits looking out at the garden. We’ve tried a thousand times to push the flap open while she’s watching, to show her how it works. We’ve even tried picking her up and pushing her head against the flap, but she just struggles to be let free. When we hold the flap open for her, she steps daintily through, but then sits on the other side waiting for us to hold it open so she can come back. Even when it’s cold and wet outside, she still sits in the rain awaiting assistance.

We had the idea of taping the flap permanently open, even though the wind blew in and made the house cold. Daisy seemed pleased to be able to pop in and out (as the vet said later, ‘So she’s trained you to make life easy for her’).

But then we came home one night to a disturbing sight. The stairs were covered in clumps of cat fur. In the living-room we found books, magazines and DVDs scattered on the floor. For a ghastly moment we thought there had been a burglary. But then we noticed more cat fur, and cat poo on the floor. Searching further, we found cat poo on the landing and in the bedroom. Eventually we found Daisy cowering under the bed. She came out and moved hesitantly towards the scene of the crime, but declined to say what had happened, or to name her assailant. Certainly it looked as if there had been quite a fight, though as far as I could tell, all the cat fur was Daisy’s.

We couldn’t bear the thought of this happening again, so we taped the cat flap shut and agreed we’d order one of these super-duper cat flaps which respond to the microchip of a particular pet. But of course all this is academic unless Daisy can actually learn how to use a cat flap!